Advent Candles

I went to buy Advent candles today. It was a big box store. The young employee had no idea what I was talking about.

“What are Advent candles?” she said, looking at me as though lobsters were crawling out my ears.

“Advent candles,” I clarified, using hand gestures. “They’re purple.”

This confused her. “You mean, like, candles for little girls' rooms?”

I have been celebrating Advent since I was a child. Long ago, you could buy Advent candles at Kmart, or Walmart, or anywhere for that matter. Back in the day, my grandmother bought our Advent candles at the drug store along with her Bengay and her unfiltered Camels. But times have changed.

One recent article explained how some stores are choosing not to celebrate “Christmas.” The article referenced the ongoing debate on whether stores should say “Happy holidays” versus “Merry Christmas,” or if the term “Christmas” should be discouraged altogether.

“Saying happy holidays is more inclusive,” remarked one store executive. “We don’t want to unnecessarily exclude shoppers by blatantly referencing religion.”

I wonder what employees say after someone sneezes.

So anyway, usually I buy Advent candles online each year. I was supposed to do that this year, but I got distracted online and accidentally ended up ordering another guitar.

Still, Advent is an important celebration among my people. It’s part of my upbringing. I can remember lighting my first Advent candle in church pre-school. Miss Jeannie handed me a really long matchstick and sermonized in a reverent voice about baby Jesus, shepherds, and angels singing “Gloria is eating Chelsea’s mayo!” And that’s when she discovered her sleeve was on fire. I was held back for two years.

“Advent candles,” I explained to the employee again. “They’re purple candles, with one pink candle.”

“You mean like Jewish candles?”

“No. These are for Christmas.”

“American Christmas or Jewish Christmas?"

“Jewish people don’t celebrate Christmas.”

“They don’t?”

Oy vey.

So, the young employee and I searched all over the big-box store, looking for Advent candles to no avail. What’s worse, none of the employees even knew what Advent was.

“Advent?” said one young man, working a forklift. “Is Advent a holiday?”

Another teen spoke up. “No, you idiot. Advent candles are candles in glass jars for Mexicans.”

“You’re both wrong,” said another teenage employee. “Advent is a calendar with candy.”

I visited 12 more stores in town. Count’em. Twelve. I spent the entirety of my day walking endless aisles, looking for Advent candles.

I walked the aisles of various crafty stores, party-supply stores, home-decor stores, hardware stores, drug stores, and stores SPECIALIZING IN CANDLES. The stores were all chock-full of pop-Christmas finery and effluvia for every persuasion.

I found menorahs and Hanukkah candles. I found Kwanzaa candles and kinara candleholders. I even found a “Welcome Santa!” sign written in Japanese. ようこそサンタさん!

But no Advent candles.

“Sorry, sir,” said the teenage employee who was busy arranging a Taylor Swift Christmas display. “I don’t think we sell those.”

I was a little disappointed, but I understood. Christmas has changed a lot since I was a kid. Things can’t stay the same forever, Charlie Brown. Maybe Advent is outdated.

One employee helpfully suggested, “Maybe you could try Amazon for your candles, sir?”

I thanked the employees for their help. Then I wished them all a “Merry Christmas.”

“Happy holidays,” replied the employees.