Bad Gramer

I get a lot of comments about grammar. And after having studied the subject for years—mainly by reading thousands of critically acclaimed cereal boxes—I’ve decided to answer questions from readers who inquire about various errors in my work.

Let’s git started:

Q: Sean! You NEVER start a sentence with “however”. I saw this in your essay and was disappointed.

A: It is a common literary misconception that beginning a sentence with “however” is not permissible. However, according to the Associated Press Stylebook, it is completely acceptable as long as you: (1) follow “however” with a comma, and (2) get a life.

Q: Hi Sean, it’s not “butt naked,” it’s “buck naked.” Please use colloquialisms correctly.

A: I’m sorry, those are both wrong. Here in Alabama, it’s “nekkid.”

Q: When you use “irregardless,” I hope you know that you’re using nonsense. It’s not a word.

A: Two things:

First thing: Actually,“irregardless” is a real word, and while this may not be a word you enjoy, or a word that you would use when the bank forecloses on your home, it has been in use for over 200 years, employed by a large number of educated people, published authors, and many of us trailer-park residents

Secondly: Don’t make me get butt nekkid over hear.

Q: You often end sentences with prepositions. The English teacher in me wants to scream, “Study your own language!” If you ever have a doubt about a preposition, just remember, a preposition is anything a rabbit can do to a log.

A: That’s inappropriate and uncalled for.

Q: There are typos in your work. Yesterday I found two mistakes in your column.

A: You get a free toaster.

Q: I believe in a recent column you misused “there” when you meant “their.” I am not normally put off by bad grammar, but this particular mistake gets my goat.

A: Remember, anything a goat can do to a log is fine as long as both parties are consensual.

Q: You evidently don’t understand the difference between “further” and “farther.” The rule is to use “farther” when discussing physical distance, and “further” when discussing symbolic distance, or a degree, as in “I want to discuss further.”

A: How about “Luke, I am your further?”

Q: I am a 71-year-old English teacher and I think it’s time we had a serious talk about dangling participles.

A: Am I supposed to turn my head and cough?

Q: Why do you always use split infinitives? A split infinitive is created by placing an adverb between the “to” and the verb—for example: “to happily run,” “to casually walk,” “to gently push.” WRONG! You can’t write this way if you want to be taken seriously.

A: Thanks. You need to email Captain Kirk, because he just told me he wanted “to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

Q: Sean, I’m not sure you’ve figured out how to use “me” versus “I.” I taught English for 41 years, here are a few examples: “JULIE AND I got into a fight.” “ME AND JULIE are going to fight.” “JULIE AND I hit each other with our purses.”

A: Julie sounds great.

Q: Dear Sean, learn to proofread. Just because you write on Facebook doesn’t mean you’re a real writer.

A: Irregardless.