This is a column about grammar.
I get a lot of comments about grammar. And after having studied the subject for years my ownself—mainly by reading thousands of critically acclaimed cereal boxes—I’ve decided to answer questions from a readers who inquire about various grammatical errors in my work nearly every day.
Let’s git started:
Q: Sean! Dangit! You should NEVER start a sentence with “however”. I saw this in your essay and was utterly disappointed in you.
A: Hello, friend. It is a common literary misconception that beginning a sentence with “however” is not permissible. However, it is completely acceptable as long as you: (1) follow “however” with a comma, and (2) get a life.
Q: Hi Sean, it’s not “butt naked,” it’s “buck naked.” Please use colloquialisms correctly or not at all.
A: I’m sorry, those are both wrong. In this part of Alabama, it’s actually “butt-[three-letter-word] nekkid.”
Q: When you say “irregardless,” I hope you know that you’re using a phony word and it undermines the value of your work.
A: Thank you. Two things:
First thing: Actually,“irregardless” is a real word, and while this may not be a word that you like, or a word that you would use when the bank forecloses on your house, the word has been in use for over 200 years, employed by a large number of educated people, published authors, and Alabamian trailer-park residents. Secondly: Don’t make me get butt nekkid over hear.
Q: Did you know that you often end sentences with prepositions? It makes the English teacher in me want to scream, study your own language! If you ever have a doubt about what a preposition is, just remember that a preposition is anything a rabbit can do to a log.
A: That’s inappropriate and uncalled for.
Q: There are typos in your work. Yesterday I found two mistakes in your column. Do you even have an editor? If so, you need to shoot them.
A: I’m not sure what you’re suggesting here is, technically, legal.
Q: I believe in your recent column about Hank Williams you misused “there” when you meant to write “their.” I am not normally put off by bad grammar, but this particular mishap really gets my goat.
A: Don’t let it get your goat. Remember, that anything a goat can do to a log is fine as long as both parties are consensual.
Q: Do you realize how many times I find misspellings in your columns? You need to look over your writing once or twice before hitting Publish, dude.
A: Your absolutely write.
Q: Many of my students don’t understand the difference between “further” and “farther.” The widely accepted rule is to use farther when discussing physical distance, such as “He went farther down the road.” Further is used when discussing symbolic distance, or a degree, as in “I want to discuss this further.”
A: What about the sentence “Luke, I am your further?”
Q: I am a 71-year-old English teacher in West Virginia, and I think it’s time we had a serious talk about dangling participles.
A: Aren’t you going to buy me dinner first?
Q: In grammar, a dangling participle is an adjective modifying the wrong noun in a sentence. An example is: “Walking through the house, the smoke alarm was going off.” This sentence literally means that the smoke alarm was taking a stroll through the house and beeping.
A: I think we should be more concerned about the fire than the dangling chad, don’t you?
Q: Why do you always use split infinitives?
A: What is a split infinitive?
Q: You don’t KNOW about split infinitives? You’re a writer, how can you NOT KNOW?
A: Hold up. Is that like saying, “Don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord split infinitive”?
Q: No. A split infinitive is created by placing an adverb between the “to” and the verb—for example, “to happily run,” “to casually walk,” “to gently push.” You can’t get away with writing this way if you want to be taken seriously as an author.
A: Ma’am, it is my dream “To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
Q: Sean, I’m not sure you’ve figured out how to use “Me” versus “I.” I taught English for 41 years, here are a few examples to help. “JULIE AND I got into a fight.” “ME AND JULIE are going to fight.” “JULIE AND I hit each other with our purses.”
A: Julie sounds like a real treat.
Q: Dear Sean, you should proofread. Just because you write on Facebook doesn’t mean you’re a real writer.
A: Irregardless.
In my part of the world, it’s butt naked. Irregardless of that, dangling participles, split infinitives, and the proper use of colloquialisms and prepositions will not get you into heaven. So theres, theirs, they’re’s that!
Hi Sean. Hope you don't mind, but I am going to let your fans in on our little secret. You see, ladies and gentlemen, like many folks, I have an insatiable desire to find fault with others. It makes be feel so good, and superior, to identify and ponder on mistakes of others. It makes me feel even better to point these mistakes out to them. So Sean has agreed to periodically insert typos in his work, just to make me feel good. You are a thoughtful and caring human Sean! Thanks for each and every typo, since they help me start my day out with an unhealthy, but very satistying, dose of superiority. Tom McC, from the mudhole formerly known as Lake McQueeney, Texas.