Some Questions

I get a lot of questions via email. Without wasting any more space, I’ll get to work answering a few.

Q: I am 20, male, I live in Indiana… I don’t have any hair on my chest or any facial hair. I don’t know what to do, man.

A: Get on your knees and thank God. Because some of us have back hair.

Q: I am an aspiring writer, I write every morning in a journal, but I don’t know how to get started TRULY writing. Any suggestions?

A: First off. If you’re writing, you’re not aspiring. You ARE a writer. Call yourself one. The only way to write is to do it. Which you are. Keep going. Keep driving, the right exit will appear.

Q: I don’t know how to talk to my teenage son. His father just died, and we were divorced for nine years. I don’t know what to say to my son, he’s just shut down on me. He’s doing some things he didn’t used to do, not necessarily bad things, but he’s been spending time with bad friends I don’t approve of, and I feel so lost. How do I reach him?

A: You’re not going to get through him with disapproval. I’m not saying you have to support his choices, but you don’t have to punish him, either. Grief looks different for everyone. And nobody tells you that grief feels like fear. Keep in mind, I am no expert. But I do know that unconditional love is never the wrong answer.

Q: Someone told me to read your work, and my first thought was, “He’s just some idiot on social media.” But now I know that you are a fake and a liar, and all liars shall have their part in the Lake of Fire. Except ye repent ye shall perish.

A: Thank ye for the letter. Methinks ye shall end up in the same Lake as me (thouest?). I’ll see ye there.

Q: I recently saw you at a local brewery smoking a cigar and drinking beer and laughing. I was so disappointed to see this. I cannot believe you were engaging in vices such as this, I am no longer a reader of your missives.

A: What were you doing at a brewery?

Q: You have said you were raised Baptist, but I have my doubts. If you were raised a Baptist, you have fallen pretty far, my friend.

A: I was raised Baptist. I hold my childhood dearly, and I love my forebears fiercely. But then, nearly everyone in these parts is Baptist. Even our atheists are Baptist. For it is a Baptist God they don’t believe in.

Q: Dear Sean, you are a closet antisemetic communist socialist.

A: Do what?

Q: Dear Sean, I appreciate your angel stories most of all. When I was a kid, my sister had a near death experience, and claims she saw an angel, and it rocked her beliefs to the core. I am still on the fence about them. …I am assuming you believe in angels. I am curious, do you?

A: Yes, I do. I wrote my first angel story 10 years ago. At the time, I confess, I too was on the fence about the existence of angels. After writing that story, I have received thousands of angel stories, from every state, from many countries. I receive some every day, in fact. After reading this many angel stories, a guy starts to think to oneself: They can’t ALL be lying. Can they?

Q: I want to write a book, but every time I get started I end up giving up. What should I do?

A: I wish I could help you. But I am just some idiot on social media.

Q: Dear Sean, I am 19 and I got a tattoo and my mother is upset with me to the point where she is probably going to disown me. Is there anything I can do to bring our relationship back together?

A: Yes. Be yourself. And don’t apologize for it. Real love has no conditions.

Q: Dear Sean, where do you get off? …You’re not an advice giver, and your advice is never scriptural. …You’re leading people astray. …These are end times and people like you are wolves in sheeps clothing.

A: “Sheeps” needs an apostrophe.

Q: Do you read all your messages? I messaged you a long time ago and I never got an answer back.

A: It is one of the great disappointments of my life that I cannot answer every message I receive. But rest assured, my wife and I read every single message, email, and letter that comes down the pipe. In fact, this is how we spent the first few hours of our day, reading emails.

I promise, even though you don’t receive a response, I love you dearly. And I thank you for taking the time to confide in a sinner like me.

I think by now you have figured out that I am imperfect, full of flaws, and also I have back hair.

Q: I am 14 and I just wanted to thank you for your column, I love it.

A: Dear friend, ye need to raise thy standards.