America’s Future

I knew something was wrong when we walked into our hotel room. Namely, because our toilet had blinking lights.

I called the front desk.

“Hello. There’s something wrong with my toilet.”

“What’s wrong, sir?”

“There are lights on it.”

“No, sir. It’s an AI toilet.”

“Come again?”

“It’s the toilet of the future.”

“I want a present-day toilet.”

She laughed. “Sorry. None of our rooms have the old, outdated toilets, sir.”

I don’t like where this country is heading.

My wife and I just stood there, looking at the robotic john. The receptacle looks like nothing you’ve ever seen. It is sleek, it plugs into a standard 15-amp outlet, and it is designed to resemble a giant marital aid.

“You go first,” I said to my wife.

“I’m not sitting on that thing,” she said. “It might bite me.”

The Toto WASHLET is the world’s first artificially intelligent toilet featuring (I’m not making this up) intelligent high-pressure bidet, automatic lid, self-cleaning wand, heated seat, LED lights, and—remember I am still not making this up—electric AIR-IN WONDER-WAVE rectal cavity blow dryer.

I visited Toto’s website and looked up the WASHLET. On the frontpage of the website is an attractive brunette wearing tight shorts, hanging out in a bathroom. She is wearing a wistful smile, sort of like Vanna White. Except, she is smiling at a toilet.

Here is what the website said:

“Today, millions of people across North America have shifted their daily ritual from wiping to washing with WASHLET. Far superior to the paper alternative, consumers now experience a new kind of clean…”

This is exactly the problem with America. When did our “daily ritual” suddenly need a “shift”? Moreover, when did Americans find themselves needing a toilet “paper alternative”? The Mobile Press-Register always worked just fine for my granddaddy.

The first flushing toilet was designed by Sir John Harrington in 1596, and for the last 400-odd years, that’s the toilet we’ve always used. But now, huge American toilet corporations are conspiring to make our cherished toilets obsolete. When will our nation’s congressmen finally stand up to the powerful lobbyists of Big Toilet, and say enough already?

So I was not exactly excited about using the HAL 9000 to see a man about a horse. Namely, because I don’t believe my personal urinary routine needs the assistance of advanced technology.

The Toto WASHLET toilet manual states that the toilet lid operates on a motion sensor. Thus, whenever you approach the toilet, the hydraulic lid rises to greet you. The manual also says water automatically cleanses the commode when it senses any user “activity.”

Then—and this is the main selling feature—the entire toilet bowl lights up with a powerful LED glow so that toilet “users” can see their “output” in “real time.”

I avoided using the AI receptacle for as long as I could. But eventually nature beckoned. And I was compelled to use said throne. I used it in the middle of the night, when I was half asleep.

I staggered into the restroom, in darkness. The lid opened, the bowl lit up, beeping noises alerted me that my receptacle was ready to assist me. I half expected the toilet to recite my name, weight, and blood-pressure.

When I finished doing my necessaries—I do not want to go into detail here—but apparently the high-pressure bidet feature is self-activated.

My screams could be heard for miles.

I’m not sure I like where this world is heading, folks.