An American Controversy

I wasn’t going to write this. It’s too controversial. But I have to. For our children.

No matter how hard this topic is to address, no matter how inflaming, there are some things that must be said. I am talking, of course, about the delicate issue of homemade ice cream.

Ice cream has been demonized by today’s society. It used to be okay to eat ice cream. But then, suddenly it wasn’t. So lots of companies replaced ice cream with healthy frozen yogurt.

A few years later, reports claimed frozen yogurt was as bad as sugary ice cream. So they came out with “sugar-free” frozen yogurt made with “aspartame.”

Aspartame is a fun word to say. It sounds like a dirty word but it isn't. You are free to say aspartame as much as you want.

EXAMPLE: “Have you seen the traffic today?”

“No.”

“It’s a pain in the aspartame.”

So Americans started eating sugar-free yogurt sludge by the gallon and watching Jane Fonda videos, and eschewing bacon.

Then—this is true—reports came out with new information claiming that aspartame turns bodily fluids into formaldehyde.

So, all of a sudden, journalists were NOW telling mankind to stay away from anything “sugar free,” urging mankind to eat kale smoothies instead.

Which is probably why a few months ago, for dessert one night, my wife announced that we were having a frozen surprise. It was a green smoothie and it smelled like lawn clippings.

“What is this?” I asked.

“Kale milkshake.”

Ever since, I have had a persistent taste in my nose that reminds me of the sickly flavored laughing gas our family doctor, Doctor Bob, used when I had a tonsillectomy in first grade.

Speaking of Doctor Bob, do you know how that old man convinced me to agree to an invasive radical tonsillectomy? Ice cream.

That’s right. Back in those days, parents, authority figures, and health-care professionals bribed children with ice cream. It’s just how things were done.

So there I was, a first-grader, happily licking his ice cream when Doctor Bob’s nurse put me into a little buttless gown and placed me in the front seat of a miniature ‘68 Plymouth Belvedere with pedals.

I pedaled myself right down to the operating room, laughing with Doctor Bob. Just a couple of guys, on our way to major elective surgery.

When I reached the operating room, I knew I’d been tricked. I saw four men dressed like supermarket butchers, wearing paper masks, holding sharp instruments.

So that’s what kale reminds me of.

Therefore, it is my deep desire that American corporations will quit putting artificial sweeteners in our ice cream.

Also, since I’m wishing for stuff, I would also like for people to get along. Even when they disagree.

Most of all, it is my sincere wish that the woman who wrote me a hateful, political-fueled email this morning knows I don’t hold it against her. Everyone has a bad day sometimes.

Still, if you ask me, I think we all need to start treating people with a little sugar instead of behaving like a bunch of giant aspartames.