Dear Flipper—I Mean, Sean

“I am 10 years old. My name is Peyton. I am a girl. People think Peyton is a boy name. But it can be both. What is your favorite animal? Mine is a dolphin.

“…Dolphins are nicer than people sometimes. People are mean to me at school because I have a speech impediment and I wish I was a dolphin so they weren’t mean. Thank you. Have a nice day.”

Dear Peyton. I agree. Dolphins are at the top of my list. Namely, because they are so smart. And they ought to be, they’re older than Methusala. Literally.

Dolphins first appear in the fossil record about 50 million years ago, only slightly before the birth of your mom and dad. By contrast, humans are in our 300,000th year of existence.

Think about that.

This means the dolphin brain has had MILLIONS of years to improve itself, perfecting its hyper-intelligent design. As a result, dolphin brains are advanced in areas where human brains are not.

Areas like sleep. When a dolphin sleeps, half the brain sleeps, allowing the other half to remain alert, monitor its breathing, regulate heart rate, etc. This is called unihemispheric sleep, a state of consciousness humans can only achieve during long sermons.

Also, dolphins are more advanced in communication than us. Dolphin language is a significantly complex language, built on a system of squeaks, whistles, clicks, and body language.

We humans cannot begin to understand their language because (a) many dolphin communication signals occur at frequencies 10 times higher than equipment can detect and (b) our species is still busy trying to remember each of our individualized internet passwords.

FACT: The average person has 168 individual usernames and passwords.

Some researchers believe that dolphin communication is so advanced that it borders on telepathy. Seriously.

Throughout history, there have been numerous documented claims of brain-to-brain communication with dolphins.

Sailors have reported communication with dolphins during storms. Drowning victims report being rescued by dolphins who communicated solely by thought. There are some dolphin trainers who report that friendships with dolphins do not require language, but a kind of mind-to-mind communication.

Did you know that dolphins also give themselves names?

Dolphin names are unique whistling sounds, like auditory signatures. Even more interestingly, these names are given to baby dolphins by older dolphins, and stick with them for a lifetime. Sort of like the nickname I developed in sixth grade which I will not share but is still perpetuated in many circles.

Dolphins have a huge capacity for love, too. Dolphins mate for life. When they find a friend, they stay with that friend until death. Their ability to empathize, suffer, emote, express joy, sadness, and affection are immeasurable.

So I think you’re on the right track with dolphins. But that’s not to say humans aren’t remarkable animals too. We are fascinating. For instance, we are the only creatures who have Tupperware parties.

We are also the only species who goes to war, killing by the hundreds of thousands. This is likely because we are the only creatures with the ability to hate, and desire to self-harm.

Above all, mankind is the only creature who believes that he alone is the most nobel and sacred species on the planet. I wonder where he got that idea?

Let’s agree to be more like dolphins, Peyton. You and me. What do you say?