I Believe in Dog

My dogs sleep all day. It’s just what they do. Except when they’re busy chewing up my 48th pair of reading glasses.

They sleep, sleep, sleep. And amazingly, after a full day of sleeping, they don’t feel guilty about it. Not even a little.

They don’t appear to undergo any self-loathing for laziness. They don’t hate themselves for exhibiting careless unproductivity. They don’t worry about their inability to “carpe” the current “diem.” They just crawl off the sofa, wag their butts, stretch, and go outside to pee on something.

We aren’t like them. And by “we” I mean Homo sapiens, as well as many forms of Congresspersons. “We” aren’t carefree enough to sleep all day.

In fact, we don’t sleep at all. Over one half of Americans are sleep deprived. This statistic continues to rise. Americans already lead the world in consumption of sleep aids and tranquilizers.

Even our children aren’t sleeping. Approximately one third of American children do not get adequate sleep. Some researchers believe this is due to brain patterns affected by electronic devices.

Which isn’t surprising. The average American child spends five hours on electronic devices per day.

The average adult spends eight.

Still, I can’t help but wonder what life would be like if we took a cue from dogs?

My dogs certainly don’t spend any time on devices. They will, however, occasionally eat one.

Not long ago, my dog, Thelma Lou, ate one of our houseguests' smartwatches. When the deed was done, we were worried about our dog. Our vet said it was no big deal. Then he said immortal words which I shall never forget: “This is just another way for your dog to ‘pass the time.’”

You know what else my dogs do? They sit by the door and wait for me when I’m gone. They YEARN for my return.

My dogs will become bone-crushingly sad whenever they see me get dressed, putting on my shoes, because they know I’m about to leave, exiting their lives forever, going off into that great big world without them. I usually pat their heads and remind them, “But, I’m only going to the mailbox.” This doesn’t seem to help.

You know why they miss me? Because my dogs LOVE IT when the whole family is together. It’s just part of their DNA. They crave togetherness.

Today in America, only 20 percent of families even eat supper together.

My dogs love to walk, too. If they sense that we’re going for a daily walk, my dogs go completely bat-excrement insane.

The average American walks slightly more than 1 mile per day. Which is not much. Especially when you consider that the average European walks an average of eight miles each day.

“This is because America isn’t being built for walking,” the one researcher says. “Each year there are nearly 8,000 pedestrian deaths.”

Know what else about dogs? Dogs LOVE food. Their lives revolve around the simple pleasure of eating. You could sum up their entire existence in three words: “What’s for lunch?”

Americans used to care about food. But today? Not so much. Today, the average American dinner lasts 12 minutes.

“This could be because we are eating fast food for dinner,” says one researcher. “Which might be because 78 percent of millennials and 81 percent of Gen Z admit to not having basic cooking skills.”

But most of all, dogs offer unconditional acceptance. Unconditional love. They don’t care if you smell bad. They don’t care if you have spent your whole day in your undies. They don’t care if you are eating leftovers for the 10th day in a row.

Dogs are right here. Right now. In this moment. And they care deeply about just occupying this moment with us. They don’t care what our world views are. They aren’t keeping score of our political leanings. They just love us. They look at us though we are the most important objects on planet earth.

It’s too bad we tend to agree with them.